Sunday, February 5, 2017

Moving from Supporting to Cultivating Submission

It has been so long since I have typed anything out I am not sure if I still 'have it in me'.  Time will tell I suppose.

A lot of what I am about to write may not be relatable to many, or perhaps insulting to some.  That isn't my intent.  This is merely my take on our adventure thus far. Several years ago I brought Dd to my husband, what has transpired since I know neither one of us could have foreseen.  Yes, all the great and wonderful things you read about that Dd brings to a relationship happened, as well as many not so wonderful things. Those of you who have been following along  over the last 4 plus years,are more than aware of the numerous stumbling blocks we have encountered.  I know for a fact we are certainly not unique in those 'hiccups'.  But that isn't what I want to process today.

I would like to say that somewhere along the line we gradually morphed from a Dd relationship to a D/s one.  Truth be told since starting Dd, ( as it was pointed out to me a couple of years ago) we have always been in a D/s relationship.  I know many out there in a Dd relationship still think of D/s as a sex based life, and perhaps you always will.  For those who know us, and those we know who identify themselves as a stronger D/s relationship than Dd alone,  we strongly believe that you need to have D/s to have Dd. This belief is founded by the fact you have to submit ( the small 's' on the right side of the slash) to the Dominant ( the big D) for your punishment/spanking whatever.  You don't have to agree with me, that is fine.  I just want you to know what our interpretation of this is before I continue.

When we started Dd, and for perhaps the first year Barney's role was actually one of support.  That is not too say he was not the growing leader.  His role however, after expectations were established,was one that was reactionary.  For example, if I did or did not do abc, I ideally could expect xyz.  If he noticed I was drifting away, he would react accordingly ( on occasion) to bring me back.

I spent the better part of two years discovering who I truly was, and then accepting it.  Initially when I first discovered the Dd lifestyle I longed for the closeness I had read about between couples that Dd created. In  those first couple of years we had the benefit of meeting several Dd couples who were further along in their adventure than us.  I remember Barney and I talking after one such vacation about a friend of ours and how he and I both hoped that I would be able to turn to him with the depths  she turned to her husband.  In the end we concluded she and I were different women and it probably wasn't going to happen.

We were wrong!  Thank goodness for that because it is wonderful (when it IS wonderful that is).  What changed?  Our methods for reaching  the core of me for one, but before that, our perception of me.  The latter point, however is another I have written on my blog in various ways before.

OKAY FINALLY getting to my point. We changed our methods (an ongoing struggle by the way).  Or perhaps more accurately we embraced what was already there and allowed that to be the focus.  Barney (after much conversation, heartache and struggles on both our parts) began to understand that being proactive as opposed to reactionary was a far better way to allow me to be who we both desired.  I suppose I should reword that.  I haven't changed at all in many ways.  In some ways I have become much, much more feisty than before.  However, that is the whole of me.  Not always the BEST of me, but it is the authentic me. Those feisty episodes generally surface when I have felt hurt (not necessarily that Barney HAS hurt me, but I have felt hurt).  Those times aside, I am weightless.  I am not carefree by any means.  I just see things for the way they are.  Anxiety does not alter my perception.  I can view many things much more positively.  The most beneficial part is the feeling that I radiate from within.  There are no shields to protect me, because I don't require them. THAT is who we want me to be.

Sure I get hurt.  Sometimes far more than I ever did before, but I FEEL...oh do I feel.  It is most definitely a double edge sword, but one I will risk. .

Back to proactive.Barney said not too long ago that he will always want to support me in my submission.  Well......... that actually didn't go over so well. I do want my husband to be supportive of me in many, many areas of my life.  Where I don't actually require support is in my submission.  Hear me out. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but the slight distinction has made a big difference for us. As far as my submission goes,  I own it.  I know who I am. I came to that conclusion a while ago. Prior to that I did need him to support me in my discovery. I am (most days) very comfortable with who I am and where I want to be/stay. He can't MAKE me submissive. What I need him to continue to do, and this isn't always easy due to life and reality beyond our small bubble, is to CULTIVATE my submission.  I need him to help create an environment that continues to allow me to embrace my core. When he cultivates there is no need to support (though I realize you can argue the support is implied) because I am flourishing.  There are no long term doubts.  Not to say there are not struggles.  But that is part of the cultivation process.

So what does that look like?  Well I could give specifics but everyone is very different. Honestly I am very different from day to day...week to week. A great deal of it has to do with removing bits of control from my grasp. Some days it is as simple as giving me tasks.  I don't need a list to accomplish things (though I don't by any means fault those who do), but there is joy to be found for me in accomplishing things that HE wants.  I still accomplish what I want - after his needs.  Most of the time his needs are things I would have already done anyway, but the fact that he sat down and thought about what he wanted and why means something to me. In a way it gives me permission to be submissive, (which one could argue is also a supportive aspect).  It allows me to see that my submission is important to him,and that is of the utmost importance to me. It also gives him a less abstract way of seeing my submission.

Those household task lists help keep me where I need to be, but they do not 'bring me' to where I need to be.  Helping me get closer to my core comes from things that are more challenging.  For poor Barney this generally means becoming more creative.  Some days it means humbling me, not humiliating but stripping me of my armour.  This can be physical, but more often than not he has to claim my mind before he can claim my submissive heartset again.  Generally it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  It doesn't always have to be a grandiose gesture.  Some days it can be as simple as bathing me.  YUP....for whatever reason that simple act softens me.  See?  Not so kinky.  Though there are other times where....well I'm not going to write about that!  *wink*.

Asking for things, and not feeling that the answer is ALWAYS going to be yes is another more 'tame' way he cultivates my submission.  Let me tell you, I really 'fail' at this, and OFTEN.  It is as if the question gets caught in my throat.  Generally it comes out as, " I'd really like another coffee".  Some days I get a flat out 'no'.  Other days I am on the receiving end of, " Well perhaps you should ASK me then".  If he is feeling generous, which is most times, he will respond with " Are you ASKING me?" If I am to be truthful the last one doesn't cultivate my submission much, but then again neither am I because I should just bite the damn bullet and ask.  Often I will forgo asking and do without. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE ASKING...LOL  I am aware..stupid..I want it, but I don't-

Conquering the battle within is my burden,creating that battle is his . AND THAT is how he cultivates my submission.

*note this complete post will also be found on my private blog as I know some of you prefer to comment there*

Barney Married Wilma


  1. Willie.. what an interesting post. I would love to resume reading your posts but since you went private I am unable to do so. Please let me know what I need to do yo once again access your site.

  2. Well Willie, when you make a make a come-back!

    This may very well be one of the most thought inspiring posts I have read from you my friend. You and I (along with many in blogland!) share a humor that pervades our thoughts, comments, and friendships. This post has a different tone. It's a bit raw. Was this a difficult one to hit "publish" on?

    I suppose in a formal D/s partnership the sexual aspect is front and center. NOTHING wrong with that. As a submissive married to my Dominant, there is a whole life we are living as D/s. Nightly dishes......a task I am throughly sucking at right now by the not sexual. It is a task that I have committed to (ironic as it is that my commitment is on the fritz a bit). Our life is more joyous, smooth running, and yes....passionate, when He leads and I submit.

    I like your thoughts on cultivation. It really is the core of the dynamic. I am not made into something, I'm not. I AM who I am and his attention to detail encourages the best of me to shine through. I think I have likened his role to that of a Master gardener before. Any old fool can water the plants.....but it takes something entirely different if you intend to get something (me!) to flourish!

    Love this post Willie!! So much more than my few minutes available to comments could properly show I think!

    XOXO Pearl

  3. Hey Lady.

    Actually Pearl this wasn't a raw post for me at all. Perhaps you started reading my private blog at a time I wasn't as raw? I'm not entirely sure, but I will say it is always difficult to press the publish key. Even more so because I decided to keep this one in its entirety public~in addition to having it on my private blog.

    I understand your point about a 'formal' D/s relationship. I agree there are many out there who seek out that type, and nothing wrong with that. We do have D/s in our sex life that is also a huge tool outside of the bedroom too...for the most part nothing wrong with that- other than FRUSTRATION at times! lol. Much like you our D/s is day to day, even if I feel we are 'off' centre a bit the day to day stuff still exists. We aren't people who use protocol. This is just the way our life looks, very different from D/s novels that is for sure. It is finding the value in the 'little' things that keeps our D/s afloat, and most of all my submission. The cultivation though does more than keeps our head above water, it moves us forward. It strengthens our dynamic and as a result our relationship.

    I like your gardening analogy. Makes me think of my planters on my deck in the summer. I can water them and they will survive. Look pretty nice too...but if I fertilize them every once and a while, boy do they look outstanding, and the blooms last longer too!

    I am happy to hear you loved the post Pearl. I was nervous about keeping it public (though you can read it either place), but I wanted to share. I felt I should share because often I felt like I didn't fit in to the blogger part of blogland and sometimes not the wordpress D/s either (no protocols and all). Then I realized through chatting with many other women, I am not alone. So maybe I should share even if I don't get any comments here! LOL


  4. It usually takes me several readings for me to be in a position to have an effective conversation on whatever subjects there are to be discussed . Years and even months ago I would discuss her writings from a perspective of my opinion (or rather formulating a defense!) on it as opposed to communicating an understanding and appreciation of the topic. This particular post gives clarity to our roots and where we have grown to be as well as an important distinction between support and cultivation. I can see in the past my behaviour, initially, was supportive to a Wilma that was not yet comfortable in (not yet accepted) her submissive core. As time has gone by I am discovering (at times a painfully slow process) that what Wilma said in the post is very true - I can not make her submissive but I can CULTIVATE it.

    This cultivation, as an example, comes not just from the lists of tasks that I would give to Wilma but more in the authenticity in which I execute these instructions. In the past lists I created were used as a tool to support Wilma's submission. Now I need her to submit to these tasks because I WANT her to and because that feeds my Dominance thus cultivating her submission, as opposed to just supporting her submission.

    I will comment later on another important point Wilma has raised - reactionary vs proactive Dominant behaviour.


  5. My ramble continued....

    Reactionary Dominant behaviour for myself seems to take two forms. I will explain that later but firstly I would clarify reactionary behaviour as my behaviour that is in reaction to a situation that effects our relationship and our dynamic,(sometimes an outside influence or something Wilma or I do as general examples). When I react in a strong, timely way that provides the leadership it helps strengthen our dynamic as well as builds trust. Wilma then feels she can trust me.I in turn I feel I can trust myself to do the right thing! That can be as simple as following through on a punishment -much opportunity here(<RUDE!*willie note) or reacting with an true understanding of Wilma's perspective and feelings. At times my reactions can be impulsive and self-centered, not at all helpful and potentially destructive to our relationship, not to mention hurtful to Wilma.

    I feel that more proactive behaviours on my part can lessen my need to *react* and allow me the control to positively influence us. Leading proactively can lessen the anxiety of outside influences and not tempt Wilma to feel the need to step in and take control when it is not necessary. Proactively telling Wilma to do things that underline my dominance and cultivate her submission is critical. In the past these demands were often in a reactionary form, which is can be too late to do much good. This is an area where I often struggle with creativity. I have discovered however, that in taking,/demanding my dominance does create a healthy environment for Wilma's submission.

  6. Loved reading this Willie. Having trouble accessing your blog again. As long as I can here, I guess. Wonderful way you both work towards your D/s submissiveness.

    Hugs Lindy xx

    1. I don't have a blog outside of this one any more Lindy ;)

  7. What you write about proactive really hits home for me, and is how I feel about my submission with my Sir. I'll be sharing this post with him!

    1. I am so sorry I missed your comment Lea. I have the moderation on this thing and I forgot how it worked that I had to go searching for comments! LOL

      I hope he took away from my post what you needed him too!



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