Tuesday, October 17, 2017

I Was Once Like You

I don't exactly know where to begin- it has been so long since I have written anything for public eyes.  We have a private blog which I often write to Barney on, but I am far more lax on there. I suppose though, as this particular blog was only really created to inform people (most of whom have left the community)  when I put a post up on our private blog, I shouldn't view this a a public post either! LOL

I realized a bit ago, that while I still comment and and read a handful of blogs ( or ones friends ask/tell me to read- you know who you are), many newer bloggers don't have a clue who I am. NOT that that in itself is a huge deal, but they don't have the knowledge of my rocky past within the context of ttwd.  My 'advice' might seem like we've been living D/s quite easily for some time.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE, I can assure you!  So............ I thought I would write a bit about how

I was 'once like you' ( and sometimes that 'once' might only refer to last month! lol).

Image result for cinderella before and after

For the submissive wife who's husband doesn't seem to want to communicate.

 I was once like you- frustrated, wanting to give up, not knowing what to do.  I did the only thing I could and began to ask open ended questions.  Slowly, like a turtle running in peanut butter, things began to turn around.  Now Barney is the one who initiates communication 90% of the time.  But trust me when I say, this took YEARS within the context of ttwd.  Slowly the percentage began to move in his direction, but it wasn't easy. It often felt like pulling teeth at times.  I often felt like we were never going to even get to 50/50 on this....but we did.

For the submissive wife who feels like her husband isn't as invested as she is or needs him to be, I was once like you. 

I wanted so desperately at the beginning for Barney to engage with other bloggers, read blogs etc.  He did if I asked but not on his own.  He 'forgot' to read posts I put up, often.  And if he did read them  he didn't mention to me what he thought.  If he read someone else's post, he would  take away from it something completely different ( and I thought stupid) than I did.  I will admit he did talk to other 'Doms/HOH" and became friends with a few, but that was only after I had befriended their wives and they had entered our lives.

Now he makes me write to him.  He gives me assignments (on occasion) with the topic of his choice.  Just today he told me to leave open the laptop as he wants to read when he arrives home from work.  He recently even commented on a blog- something he hasn't done in years- though he was frustrated with the process.....but that is another story all together. Honestly for the longest time, I didn't  know if he would ever become invested in blogging/ reading etc...

For the submissive wife who longs for her husband to not only notice but do something about her distancing, I was once like you. 

 One of the first rules Barney had for me was not to distance, also one that was greatly overlooked for many years.  Understand old habits for both parties (in our house) are difficult to break. I would close up, he would retreat.  Often I thought he didn't even notice I was 'gone'.

Things, currently are not like that.  I get questioned repetitively, though he's not a huge fan of " 20 questions" he now understands that sometimes this is the push I need to open up.  Not too long ago he went through a phase ( if you can call 2 years a phase) where he would get angry when I was hurt and trying to open up.  He was angry at himself for allowing us to get to that point, but it came out all sideways.  Many an 'argument' occurred over each others responses to one another, versus the actual issue.  If I am still shut tight, I am stuck in a corner until I am willing to open up, or I am told to write, or I am spanked.  Not only am I spanked I am lectured as it is happening...." I will NOT lose you.  I will not allow you to stay inside yourself.  This is not what either of us want, and this does not help you, me or our relationship.  You need to trust me.  You need to know I am here, and if this is what it takes for your walls to soften I will do it".<- plus let's face it, he love to do it, despite what he 'claims'.  lol

He recently wrote this, "My goal/responsibility is to not have to react to Willie, which is what I did the first 3 years of ttwd. I fixed things after the fact. I don't want to step up after the fact and bring her back. I want her to BE where she needs to all the time. Basically as she once posted on her blog, it is my responsibility to cultivate her submission more often than it is to haul her back into it. So along with watching and assessing I have her perform submissive exercises etc. to keep her where she needs to be"

To the submissive wife who feels she is the one who bought, suggested or found the majority of your implements, I was once like you. 

 Oh sure Barney was MORE than willing to take those implements and bring them to an entirely different level than what *I* had expected, but for the first year, maybe 2 he didn't show much interest in trying new things or positions etc.  Lots of opening up on my part changed that.  I would have to tell him that laying across the bed was much easier to take than standing up at our pillar in the basement or standing bent over.  It wasn't giving him directions, just intel.  Now, and I do mean this when I say, sadly, he finds inspiration in many things, ( his latest a hard cardboard tube that our rug/runner came wrapped around- laugh if you will but it feels like a cross between a punch(or so I would imagine) and a wicked sting).  He has also been to a saddlery to buy 'stuff' and random packages have arrived in the mail as well.

None of this happened overnight.  I believe it took him a very long time to first acknowledge, accept and eventually embrace this part of himself.

To the submissive wife who longs for that deep connection you read about and maybe even wonders if you are wired to feel that way, I was once like you.

  The deep connection was what actually drew me to ttwd.  I longed for that, but I also wasn't sure if I was even capable of it.  Turns out I am.  Do we actually LIVE in a current state of high energy sex?  Do I swoon at his chastising comments?  Do I melt into his arms after most spankings?  NOPE.  BUT.....it can and does happen- minus the swooning part.  There are times when I want to craw in his skin, but still more times he removes some of mine from my back end and I want to punch him in the throat!  Life pulls us away from each other emotionally because it does.  We don't have the luxury of only being us, not that I am ready for that stage in my life anyway.  We have issues that pop up and distract us, not necessarily from our dynamic, but emotionally we are needed elsewhere.  I have come to accept portions of this.  I might not like it at the time, but I also feel that when the time is right, we will regain the ground we lost.  There is no longer a manic panic to get back to 'us'.  Turns out US is always there, just turned down a bit at times.

To the submissive wife that longs for her husband to be more dominant, I was once like you ....and some drifty days can still find myself here in frustration.  

I can't tell you how many times in the first few years of ttwd that I said " It is okay, it isn't in you." but not nearly as many times as I thought it!  Yet here we are 5 years later.  We are still plugging (no pun intended) along, where many who we started with are not.  I am at the point sometimes where I think, " seriously?  I don't WANT to do that"  and sometimes I even say it...LOL.  Once upon a time I embraced the 'ask-tell' style my husband had developed.  It actually was a huge leap from the 'suggesting' I do something.  Now I find myself asking him, " Can you be a bit more discrete??"  Or mumbling under my breath, even though this is what I wanted. I also know that by the end of the day, I feel accomplished in my submission, especially because I did what he wanted and he expected it of me, regardless of what I wanted.

To the submissive wife who longs for her husband to not only believe but see who she really is under all that armor, I was once like you.

It took me years to believe myself who I truly was after I discovered it.  It took longer for my husband to recognize that in me as well.  It isn't easy defining and seeing yourself as a submissive.  Many believe or write in a way that submissives look weak, or wanting to shirk responsibility.  Many believe that submissive are meek, mild, wallflowers.   As +Susie Hermm  will tell you, I am a 'handful'....and very sassy....but not really in a bad way- RIGHT SUSIE???? LOL..Depending on the situation I am not meek, but I am submissive. I find great strength that comes from my submission, because I am my authentic self.  No masks required.

Anyway, here are Barney's words "... since starting ttwd I have learned a few things about my wife. If she is angry and lashes out, chances are she has been hurt by someone. If she is quiet and distance she is usually worried, anxious, or stressed. 

Willie at her core is submissive. She, no doubt like many here, thrives when she can, as she puts it; just be. This however doesn't mean she is free of responsibility, personal or family or doesn't make any decisions. She defines 'just being' as her authentic self. No walls or barriers. 
Curt, snippy, QUIET are not words I would use to describe her, so if I see these traits rearing their ugly head I know she is starting to feel insecure about something. It is my job to ensure she feels safe to 'just be' with me and within our home. Therefore if she is feeling this way I have failed in my responsibility. 
Life doesn't always hand you situations you can control or fix, and I am human more than I like to admit. I can't always provide for Willie the environment that lets her just be, but I feel it is my responsibility to do so when and if I can so the applecart does not tip. And if it does tip, as difficult as it is feeling responsible for letting it get to that point, I still 'tip' her over so we can start again on our journey. lol"

If you were to tell me years ago that a) I believed my submission was not a part of me but who I actually am and b) that Barney would not only believe it, write on another's blog about it but cultivate an environment in our home to allow my submission to thrive, I would have looked at you like you had two heads (or consumed two special brownies). Yes over the years I have had other people tell me who I am...tell Barney who I am. Apparently it is easier for others to see- but feeling and seeing and embracing are totally different things.

So I ask you now, are you like I once was?  You see I now believe I stalled a great deal of our growth along the way.  My husband agreed to ttwd, and has never once taken it away or quit.  He has  however paused, or led me to believe that we were drifting away from it.  There were more times than I like to admit that I believed he didn't want to be in this dynamic.  I would convince myself that this wasn't him.  I would convince myself that this wasn't me.  I would convince myself that I/we didn't need this.  I would cut him off at the knees (though he never said as much) because I lost faith in him.  Was I or he completely to blame- in my mind no, in his...well that is up to him to explain why he feels a certain way.  I often wish I could go back in time and change my reaction to something.  I see now how damaging I might have been by 'expressing' myself a certain way.  Barney sees much of this differently than I do.  ( I remember once talking about bratting as manipulation and he simply said, " You can only manipulate a person if that person allows it to happen").

I was once like you, perhaps, as I was afraid.  I was afraid that none of this could happen and that fear came out as anger or distancing at times.  I was afraid I wasn't or he wasn't really the right person for these roles (for lack of a better term).
Is our dynamic perfect?  Heck no.  Generally speaking if we were to visualize it as a teeter-todder, the times we are on the level with similar needs in this dynamic are less than the times one of us is up and the other is down...but the thing is we keep trying, and honestly that is all I could ever hope for.  Mistakes happen often, but that is okay.  Mistakes are not failures, just opportunities and learning experiences, no matter how painful, emotionally AND physically it may be to take at the time.

I wouldn't change much if I had to relieve the past 5 years- because most of those stumbling blocks have turned into building blocks.  If I were to go back further than 5 years there are countless things I would love to change, because Barney and I had our own baggage coming into this marriage that perhaps neither one of us ever gave a voice to but ttwd has shone a big old spot light on some of those things.  Together we continually try to work on them.  The most difficult baggage to try to empty though is the baggage we loaded up after we got married.  I understand we aren't unique in this, but ttwd brings this painfully to light for us as well AND sometimes creates new carryons! 

So there you have it, maybe I was once like you...or maybe you are nothing like me.  I just felt the need to write this, maybe more for myself than anything else perhaps to take stalk in where we find ourselves after 5 years.

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